The first two weeks at home

Nobody is good at this bit. The hospital hands you a person and a folder and your front door closes behind you. This guide is the small amount worth knowing for the first fortnight, written to be read in five minutes with one hand. It is not medical advice; the one section that comes close is the list of signs that mean ring someone, and it only says that.

If you only remember three things

1. Sleep when you can, not when it is sensible. The clock means nothing for two weeks.
2. Give people a specific job. "Let me know if you need anything" is not an offer until you make it one.
3. Know the short list of signs to ring someone about. It is at the bottom. Read it once, then stop worrying about it.

What the first fortnight is like

Days and nights blur. The baby feeds more often than seems possible, sleeps in stretches that do not match yours, and changes its mind every few days. You will cry at something unimportant. You will feel very capable for an hour and useless the next. All of that is the normal shape of it, not a sign you are doing it wrong.

If you gave birth, you are also recovering from something physical. Bleeding, soreness, exhaustion that sleep does not fix: expected. The body takes weeks, not days.

If you did not give birth, your job in these weeks is the house, the food, the door and the sleep of the person who did. It is not a smaller job.

Who comes to the house

Someone will, and it is easier when you know who.

• Germany: your Hebamme visits at home, daily at first if you want, covered by insurance for up to twelve weeks. If you do not have one, ammely.de lists those with space, and our Hebamme guide has the message to send.
• UK: the community midwife visits in the first ten days, then the health visitor takes over, with a first visit around day 10 to 14. If nobody has been in touch by day 14, ring your GP surgery and ask for the health visiting team.
• Elsewhere: ask at discharge who follows up and when. Write the name and number on the fridge.

Whoever it is, they are there for you as much as the baby. The question that feels too small to ask is exactly the one to ask them.

Feeding, without the fight

However you feed, the first two weeks are about learning it, and learning is slow. Three things are true for every method: the baby feeds often, often more than ten times a day; it gets easier, but not by day three; and the person helping you (midwife, Hebamme, health visitor, a feeding line) has seen whatever is worrying you a hundred times. Ask early rather than late. Switching methods, mixing them, or stopping is a decision for you and the people looking after you, and nobody else's business.

The only sleep rule that works

Sleep when the baby sleeps is the advice everyone gives and nobody can follow, because the baby sleeps at 2pm and you have a sink full of bottles. The version that works: one protected stretch a day. Two hours, baby handed to someone else or settled, door shut, phone face down. If there is no one else, the protected stretch is the one where the house stays as it is and you lie down anyway. Washing up has never once mattered more than two hours of sleep.

Answering "let me know if you need anything"

People mean it and have no idea what to offer. Give them one specific thing. Copy this and send it to the next person who says it:

Thank you, I will take you up on that. Could you do one of these this week: bring a meal we can reheat, take the baby for an hour on [DAY] so I can sleep, or do a shop (I will send a list). Just tell me which and when. x

If nobody has offered, your midwife, Hebamme or health visitor knows what local help exists, from postnatal doulas to volunteer schemes, and asking them is not failing at anything.

Visitors: short, useful, or not yet. Anyone who comes should bring food, hold the baby while you shower, or leave within an hour. You are allowed to say no to a visit and to end one.

Admin that cannot wait, and admin that can

Cannot wait: registering the birth, and in Germany the Elterngeld application. Both are in our German paperwork guide and UK first claims guide, with the deadlines in bold.

Can wait: everything else. Thank-you messages, the pram you have not built, the nursery. Weeks three and four exist.

Looking after the person who gave birth

• Your own check is around six to eight weeks, and it is for you, not the baby. Write down anything that bothers you between now and then, large or small, so it does not get lost in the room.
• Eat and drink as logistics, not virtue: a glass of water where you sit most, food that can be eaten with one hand. People bringing meals is the single most useful form of help.
• Mood. Tearful, overwhelmed and flat in the first days is common and usually lifts within two weeks. If it does not lift, or it deepens, tell the person who visits you. It is common, it is treatable, and saying it early is the whole trick. Germany: Schatten und Licht. UK: PANDAS. Elsewhere: your midwife or doctor is the right person to tell.

When to ring someone

Most of the first fortnight needs no one. These do. Ring your midwife, Hebamme, doctor or the emergency number, depending on how urgent it feels, and do not wait to see.

For you, if you gave birth:

• Bleeding that soaks a pad in an hour, or large clots
• A fever, or a wound that is hot, red or smells
• Pain or swelling in one calf, chest pain, or trouble breathing
• A headache that will not shift, or blurred vision
• Thoughts of harming yourself. Say it to someone today.

For the baby:

• A temperature of 38°C or more in a baby under three months
• Refusing feeds for several feeds in a row, or far fewer wet nappies than usual
• Breathing fast, grunting, or pulling in at the ribs
• Yellow skin or eyes spreading or getting deeper after the first days
• Floppy, unusually hard to wake, or a high-pitched cry that is not like them

Trust yourself on the rest. If something feels wrong and is not on this list, that is still a reason to call.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to feel nothing much yet? Yes. Attachment arrives on its own schedule, and for many people it is weeks, not the first hour.

How do I know the baby is getting enough? Wet nappies and weight, which the person visiting you checks. Not how it feels.

Everyone else seems to be coping. They are not. They are also at home with the door shut.